🖤 This is me when I was suicidal.

 

June 21st. A week after my 44th birthday.

 

This is also one of the best moments of my life.

 

Why?

 

My 4 year old son has just grasped my hand tight as we walked our Jack Russell.

 

“Daddy, why are you so sad? It’s ok. I love you.”

 

In that moment, all my pain, all my fear and self loathing disappeared for a moment and I burst into tears.

 

He hugged me. Such extraordinary empathy from a tiny man. He saw the pain I thought I was hiding.

 

It was wonderful for so many reasons.

 

To be offered love is the greatest salve. Love saves.

 

To see that my son was truly kind, something that’s incredibly important to me.

 

To feel the wisdom of children - unchained my shame, fear, regret or embarrassment. He hasn’t learned to bottle it up, like I had.

 

That moment in my favourite woods will stay with my forever. The smell of leaves, the feeling of his tiny gripping hand. His kind eyes wanting to help me.

 

Fuck me I can barely write this. But I do, because I don’t want anyone to feel like I did. To nearly make my wife a widow. My children fatherless. To never having launched FRAHM. No charity money. No messages about seeking help. No jackets.

 

Nothing. Just other’s pain. 

 

You may not have a family like mine. You may feel utterly alone. You never EVER are.

 

Feeling suicidal is chemical. It makes you think there’s no hope. There is.

 

Find your thread of hope. It will become a harness as you talk. You must SAY YOUR PAIN.

 

Tell your doctor, a counsellor, a friend, a stranger, Campaign Against Living Miserably, whom we support; Samaritans, anyone.

 

Get help here: FRAHM X CALM

 

Just say it. It’s not shameful. To suffer in silence is a horrific shame. Thank god I stayed.

 

Please stay. Please talk. Life can be horrifically tough. But there is beauty all around you. Look for it.

 

Love to you.

 

Nick