I’d like to help. I'm another human being. I don't know you. But I don't want you to suffer.
I’d like to explain why FRAHM has a strong mental health connection, my own experiences with depression and suicidal thoughts, and, inexpertly, how you can get the help that you actually do deserve (even though men often don't think they do).
FRAHM?
So yea - we make nice jackets, but jackets don’t actually MATTER. What does?
FRAHM is “In Aid Of Mind” - the UK’s main mental health charity. We give money to Mind. I wrote this blog about my breakdown for them.
When I created FRAHM, I felt the need to do more than just make and sell ‘stuff’. I wanted to create a brand that is honest about life, not unreachable marketing sheen. I’d like us to be part of the solution, not the problem of selling stupidly perfect expectations of masculinity.
Real life, love, loss - these things MATTER. I want FRAHM to talk with (not to) men in a different way. All of us go through pain and anguish. ALL of us.
Why aren’t we talking about that alongside the brilliant stuff life has to offer - like Star Wars movies, thunderstorms (maybe that’s just me), holding hands and the smell of real tomatoes straight off the vine. [Please pick your own lovely things that matter - Ed.]
Men are as kind, vulnerable, fallible and sensitive as we are strong, determined, ambitious and any other trait you’d like to identify with. Real life. Real people. Ups and downs.
Remember: Strength is weakness is strength.
MY DEPRESSION / YOUR DEPRESSION?
Sometimes life is shit. Sometimes you feel awful for obvious reasons. Or you don’t know why.
You can be depressed and still laugh and do stuff. You can go to work and be depressed. Or not. It is complex but treatable. Don’t knuckle down and tough it out. That attitude is bullshit.
Honesty with each other (mine is public, but obviously you don’t need to) helps:
I’m writing this today because I feel sad and down today.
No terrible reason why. Could be I’m knackered. There’s a lot of doubt and change in our lives right now. My Dad (lots of baggage there) wants to visit. I’m not depressed, I’m just not full of pep and my usual positivity. That’s ok. I can recognise it and say it. Telling you helps me. Helping you helps me. I’m fine, but I’m keeping the radar on.
I’ve learnt to say these things because, weirdly, it makes me feel better. Less alone. Less trapped, bouncing around with all the crap inside my skull. Feeling low is natural - as long as it doesn’t become a long term state….
Two years ago I had a mental breakdown when my cycling company Vulpine went bust. I talk about it and the reasons for it in this podcast.
I had constant suicidal thoughts at it’s peak (trough!). I don’t now. Sadly, I barely expressed this to anyone at first - I felt it was too extreme, that I’d get locked up or something. I couldn’t bear to tell my wife. Or my Mum. Sorry Mum (she’ll be reading) - better out than in. x
I never thought I’d get better. Yet, here I am. Everyone knows. And life has improved from pre-breakdown. My pain was a gift.
REMINDER: Keep going. Get talking. Life is wonderful, even when it’s not. But you’re too depressed to see it. That’s understandable. There is no shame in how you see the world right now.
Back to my story, by way of example:
My thoughts of death were fantasies, to escape my sadness, pain and self hatred. Because I was really depressed, I couldn’t make sense of the world - it felt too complicated, like I’d never recover.
Yet here I am - life has never been better. Not because everything is awesome, but because I have context and contentment to replace a skewed vision of the world. I'm not chasing over-riding ambition, shinier things or bigger more important meetings. I'm chasing green leaves, loving hugs and a quiet Somerset community.
These are the things I wanted, but couldn't see.
My priorities are different and I now know how to look after myself. I never thought this was possible. So I increasingly wanted to escape - the worst way, because I was mentally ill. Suicide is not a weighed up choice. It's not logical. It's just pain.
I can make sense of my thoughts now. I can remember a time when I thought NOTHING would get better. Only keeping the faces of my children in my head prevented my fantasies becoming plans…
What I am attempting to say is that you may feel it’s not recoverable, that you can’t imagine ever being ok. But you can and will be BETTER, literally, than before. Read on.
WE ALL NEED SOMEONE TO TELL
Once or twice a week a gent I usually don’t know approaches me to talk. They want someone who’ll listen. And I do. I’m no expert, but I can offer kindness.
I’ll always be honest - I find it as painful as I find this uplifting. I’m pretty porous. I hear stories of anguish and pain. I want to help. But they leave me bear, and for a while, pretty sad. Honestly. But you know - Life is like that. We shouldn’t, I shouldn’t, run from that. It’s good to help.
Inevitably if you are approaching me you know why. You just want the reassurance of someone telling you you’re not an idiot. Because you’re not.
The brain is part of your physiology. It is an organ that can break. It needs to be looked after. You wouldn’t run your engine at 7000rpm for 8 hours and expect it to be fine. Don’t be ashamed by your mind needing time in the garage. Get the oil changed regularly! Top up the screen wash. Replace the timing belt (etc, yawn - I think I've squeezed that metaphor dry) before it snaps.
There is no means-testing for ‘worthy’ depression. Sometimes it’s just chemistry. Sometimes terrible things cause it. Sometimes it’s just bits and pieces. Just 'life'.
Your pain is always valid. You don’t have to be suicidal or in bits. Just really sad, confused, anxious, lost, bereft, numb… All, any or others of those.
Let’s say you’re depressed. It hurts. It’s spoiling your life and quite probably affecting others. So let’s get it sorted. Don’t feel like a dick for being weak. Mate, we’re all allowed to be 'weak'. Weak needn't be a negative, though you may find that very hard. But oh the relief of admitting to yourself you are weakened and frail. You can stop fighting against what you are, with dwindled resources, and start to recover.
Being too ‘strong’ is the danger. Sometimes the strongest thing is to be honest with yourself and others. I remember the relief of ‘admitting’ to myself I was really depressed and anxious. It was the first step to feeling ok again. A huge relief.
WHAT TO DO
So here’s what I think you should do. I’m no expert, but I have a bit of empathy and I’ve had some shitty moments, yes even suicidal. Trust me, you need to SAY THE THINGS IN YOUR HEAD.
Tell a loved one or a friend.
Don’t want to? Fine. I get it.
I didn’t want to tell my wife how much I thought about ending it, so I told a counsellor. Cried and shook like crazy. Who cares what they think? They’re there for that. No judgement. No shame. Just relief.
Do I care what you think? Yes. Because I want you to know I’m ok and I did that. Was it so hard for me to say it? Nope. Not any more. It used to be.
I’d rather tell YOU that because it takes the stigma away from ME for not saying it. I was broken and now I’m fixed. Fine. Bosh. Another one of life’s lessons. But boy oh boy it was shitty being in the middle of it.
Get professional help. Talk, but see a doctor. Someone you can trust.
Every route is different. Every one of us is different. I am not an expert. But I DO know that leaving it untouched will do no good. You know that too. Take that first step. It’s the hardest but the best one.
For God’s sake man, get yourself some help and kindness. It is normal. You are normal. Stoicism is bullshit.
PRACTICAL STUFF TO FIND REALLY NICE PEOPLE
Here’s are some important contact numbers for the UK. We sell all over the world, so if there’s not one for your country, take a leap into Google and do it NOW.
Whatever you do: Get TALKING. Find a counsellor or mental health pro - a stranger who’s trained felt easier for me than someone close. It was too raw.
Suicidal?
The Samaritans are on 116 123 in the UK. Someone nice wants to help you.
Here are all the crisis lines in one place:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
UK
See your doctor. Men often hate doctors. It’s braver to ask than not.
They may or may not give you medicine. I was TERRIFIED of it - I shouldn’t have been.
Just let them help - whatever help looks like.
Need more urgent help and what to learn more?
Mind have a great online resource:
Younger Man?
Campaign Against Living Miserably might be more your bag: https://www.thecalmzone.net/
Time to Change are great too:
https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
REMEMBER
The key to it all is feeling depressed, even suicidal happens to lots and lots of other men. Men who have recovered and now live better lives - like me.
Just take a step forwards and talk. Then another step. You’ll get to a good place.
You’re not being weak, or pathetic or a dick. You’re being human.
Love and man hugs.
Nick x
