You've watched p*rnography. So have I. We’ve all come across it. It’s hard to avoid. But we don’t talk about it.

It may be twice a day (red light) or twice a month. Maybe twice in your life, by mistake. But we all know the landscape of online filth.

Not that it need be filth. Sex is natural, wonderful, intense, the pinnacle of joy. But p*rn, err, usually is…filthy, unpleasant, even wrong. Let’s talk about that.

NB: We hate asterisking out letters to disguise words. There’s nothing wrong with these words. But search engines can define you as something else when they’re used ‘wrongly’. We don’t want to be defined as NSFW or blocked as a p**n site. So, we’re using *s. Thanks!

You’ll have seen the Top Ranked and Most Played. Or the unranked bilge, the hardcore horror shows, the weird, the wonderful but mostly unpleasant.

Why is p*rn always all brightly lit, bash bash splash, gynaecological male power-play?

What the hell happened to the erotic? To romance, subtlety, gentleness, tease and build?

For me, a woman in a posh bra and fancy suspenders giving a saucy, confident wink, is a sexual fission reaction. Not…well, I don’t even need to describe the p*rn stereotype. We all know it.

Greasy, wet, shiny, plastic, athletic, kinetic, grabbing, slamming, wide open, harsh, muscular, weird.

Taking a snapshot of modern p*rn, you’d assume men are machines, intent on bludgeoning their victim into submission. That an orgasm is an expression of victory. That the other person is a recipient, not a partner.

This whole ‘men just want to f*ck a hole’ and women need gently persuading to be that hole is sick, stupid, destructive and wrong.

Men and women want sex for affection, closeness, romance, escape, kindness and fun. Even men like a hug and caress. Men especially want these things. We crave them.

Also, men and women sometimes want to just f*ck. It’s not about romance or the build. It’s just lust and immediacy. That’s ok.

What’s not ok is the inability to find the sort of sex that loving, caring couples have.

For me (most of us?), the best sex is equal, passionate, sensitive, real.

I and other parents worry about what our kids will find online. Men banging away at supplicant women, then, always, the humiliating money shot.

Is this what men go for? Am I the outsider here, denying my animalistic dominative urges?

I don’t want my son to think his partner is there for him. Or my daughter to think she is there for them.

I want my son to understand he has power. The power to hurt, humiliate, ignore or be selfish. Or the power to create an incredible, unforgettable mutual experience. The ultimate human connection. The best feeling two people can have. To GIVE, not to TAKE is the real pleasure.

Modern p*rnography is full of rape, violence and subjugation. It’s mixed in with the ‘normal’ stuff. Hell, it IS the norm. Where did that come from? In societies that value free expression, is that right? Do I want my son to happen upon that stuff, giggling but also shocked as a 10 year old? Because that’s what me and other parents fear.

I want my daughter to understand she has power too. To say no, make demands, be the equal, expect better, to educate, to take and give pleasure as she wishes, to feel safe and secure. That is a given, there is no compromise on these.

P*rn does not offer these messages. This is how many kids learn about sex.

My mum was always been very progressive about sex. She was giving me the lie of the land long before I found it embarrassing, or was frankly, interesting. She taught me that the pinnacle of sex is when it is an expression of love. That stuck with me. She was right. I yearned for that and made it my aim to find it. I’m very lucky that I have.

Many of us didn’t have these chats, or would want to. Many don’t feel comfortable talking about sex at all, let alone with their kids.

So where is this going to come from? P*rn?!! Hell no. Schools? They can’t show anything. P*rn is a far more intoxicating experience than a lesson.

Sadly, p*rn’s message is disrespect. One way traffic. No love. Nothing erotic. Legs apart, slam it in, spaff it out. Its grim. It’s not great sex or the sex I want to see in the world.

Men love the erotic. The sarcastic remark over dessert. A dirty laugh. Gently brushing against someone’s arm hair in the cinema. Imagining what’s beneath the fabric. Playing the game. The build. The kissing, caresses and undressing.

There is no erotic p*rnography. If there is, it’s not getting ranked, in a world where online ranking changes attitudes and psyches.

Mainstream p*rn is dark. Most (!) videos seem to be labelled “Brother f*cks stepmom so hard….”. You get the idea. So now incest is a thing?! A commercial tool? Jesus wept.

Online p*rnographers are way ahead in ecommerce. They have huge datasets and it pays to mine them. Is the data saying the incest thing is a go?! I’m hoping this is just the sex industry equivalent of clickbait. Just say ANYTHING to get the click.

But still, people are clicking on this shit. I’ve a horrible feeling its teenagers. Boys who’ve not yet built their sexual identities. Boys to men who are developing their tastes and attitudes to sex from the grimmest, unrepresentative, disrespectful crap out there.

Let’s bring back low lighting, silk sheets, give and take, wobbly bits, hair (that’s a whole other blog), affection and real couples.

I’m not volunteering. My wife sure as hell isn’t. Would you? Didn’t think so. I don’t blame you.

What’s the answer? Can you help? Does gay p*rn have the same problem? What does that mean? Do you agree or disagree? Am I just being a big wet blanket? So many questions.

Please comment. Stick the odd asterisk in if you’re feeling kinky. Enjoy.