I was suicidal in May 2017. In (almost) unbearable mental & physical pain. I couldn’t sleep. I hated myself and thought I was worthless. I was dangerously chemically altered by stress & anxiety. I wasn’t weak. I was ill. I got help. My GP prescribed mirtazapine for my anxiety (the root cause). I sat and stared at it for 2 days, scared it would make me a zombie, a different person, stupid, mad, I don’t know. I was more scared of the pills than the suicidal thoughts. That's what medication stigma can do.
Then, I became so terrified I’d kill myself, so utterly exhausted by pain, I popped my dose. I was shaking with fear. I remember it exactly. I thought I was about to have an Alice in Wonderland moment. Instead, I felt better within minutes. My whole body relaxed. I slept for 10 hours. Got up, feeling not fully better of course, but just sad and quiet. This was a huge improvement. I felt a bit stoned for a couple of days, then slightly less clever or ‘quick’ for months. But f*** me I didn’t feel like dying. I could function. I could recover, and I did. My GP did double my dose, with my agreement, after a short time, but that was because I needed them. I saw little difference in side effects, but I did feel better. Over the course of spring 2018, a year later, with guidance, I graded myself off them, as my GP and I felt the time was right. So the pill I’m holding is ibuprofen. I don’t take any prescription medication. I’m sad sometimes, happy other times and mostly just fine. That’s awesome.
Thank god I took my pills.